My oldest son was born on April 2, 2020, about two weeks after the COVID shutdown. During the weeks leading up to my son’s birth, I went to all of my appointments and non-stress tests alone and was told that my partner may or may not be present for the delivery or be allowed to enter the hospital at all. Having my family there to support me was no longer an option, and since I had medical complications a birth center was also off the table since I did not qualify to deliver there.

My son wasn’t here yet and parenting was already more challenging, difficult and isolating than I thought, what was I going to do when he was actually here?

I was also informed that my blood pressure was becoming increasingly concerning and that I would likely need to deliver early to avoid additional risks. A few days shy of 35 weeks pregnant, I was hospitalized due to preeclampsia. I was terrified especially as the hospital was locked down and I was unable to leave my room or have any visitors for any reason due to COVID risks, especially with my baby going to be born early. This began a week-long treatment of magnesium drips and IV blood pressure medications and a perfect recipe for birth trauma, postpartum depression and generally a shitty few years acclimating to Motherhood.

It also came with a crash course introduction about how to be a “good mom.” I was lectured by the hospital OB for asking too many questions. The staff told me that now that I was a Mom I should no longer worry about my personal preferences, desires or needs, because now the only needs that should matter to me were the needs of my baby. Basically, I was simply a vessel to birth my baby and I was shamed for advocating for myself. This experience was devastating and oddly similar to how pregnant women were treated in the Handmaid’s Tale. (but I digress)

After a long several-day induction process my son was born and immediately taken to the NICU. Only one parent was allowed in the NICU at a time and my husband and I took turns visiting our son. I remember sitting next to my son’s crib in the NICU, pumping milk and crying. It was a completely out-of-body experience and not how I imagined spending my first week as a Mom. I was only a few days in and I already felt like a failure.

After he was discharged from the NICU after 8 days of treatment we returned home to an empty house. No family, no friends, and no community to support us. We were alone with a new baby and the world was shut down. And so began an extremely challenging, scary, and lonely postpartum experience and intense feelings of self doubt, guilt and shame. Wasn’t I just supposed to be happy that I was a mom now?! What would other people think if they knew how much I hated this new life?

The lack of support, feelings of guilt and shame were so crippling until eventually, through my own therapy I was able to get my head above water. I developed self compassion and legit coping skills, identified my own values, learned to make peace with my own needs and grieve the birth and postpartum experience I missed out on. This included a lot of time for self-care (with way less guilt), pursuing my own identity outside of being a mom (which makes me a way better mom), and spending time with my partner and friends without my kids. (which also makes me a way better mom!) This was key to keeping me sane, maintaining and growing my identity and managing postpartum depression and anxiety. (And actually getting to enjoy Motherhood!)

When I learned that I was pregnant with my second child I was determined to have a completely different postpartum experience than I had with my first. I worked with my therapist throughout my entire pregnancy to create a realistic postpartum plan, I changed medical providers to someone I felt actually supported me and saw me as a valuable person outside of being pregnant (not just a vessel for my baby.) I also invested in a doula for additional emotional and physical support and to advocate for me during labor and delivery (which felt incredibly supportive and healing.) These changes as well as identifying my own value system as a woman, mother and partner made my second postpartum experience completely different than my first. I was able to enjoy Motherhood in a way I was unable to the first time around. I know that corrective experiences are possible and I am here to support you with your first, second, third or fourth postpartum period.